


empty halls (a thousand times yes)

by aesthiqe



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Abstract, Canonical Character Death, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Thorin Oakenshield Dies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2020-03-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:48:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23302675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aesthiqe/pseuds/aesthiqe
Summary: i sit staring into nothing, wondering if i should have gone with you at all.i wonder, if i had the chance to do it again, would i?yes. yes. a thousand times yes.
Relationships: Bilbo Baggins/Thorin Oakenshield
Kudos: 8





	empty halls (a thousand times yes)

my halls are empty. devoid of warmth, the hearth sits idle and cold. i sit here with it, heart wide open and doors waiting and wondering; waiting for you. my love. i wait for you like an open house, curious and so, so patient. i wait for your smile, always ready to relight the fireplace and once again bring heat into this open hole in the ground. i wait for you.

i sit staring into nothing, wondering if i should have gone with you and that ragtag team at all. i wonder, if i had the chance to do it again... would i? would i race out of my too-worn door with the peculiar rune carved in, ready and willing to face an adventure but not knowing how much it would cost? would i abandon my heart entirely and gift it to you, wrapped in that gold you were always so fond of? despite the pain, despite the grief, despite the loss. would i still trade my soul for those few moments with you? were they worth a lifetime of sadness? an eternity without you by my side?

yes. yes. a thousand times yes. i would trade a thousand suns for a chance to see your smile again. to feel your mouth slide against my skin. i valued those moments too little, took them for granted. idle thoughts of, _i will have this forever. why should i rush?_

but i won't have that chance. i've seen the light fly from your once blue eyes, transformed from the almost-black they had turned to in sickness. i watched you smile at me, truly smile, for the first time in weeks. i listened to you apologize for your words, your actions, for hating me and replacing me, my love, my counsel, with an ocean of gold. i heard you waste your last breaths on ensuring my forgiveness.

and so i forgave and forgot, every one of your faults lost like a whisper in the winter breeze. you never knew i would forgive you for anything. you never will.

you told me to go back to my books, back to my armchair. to retrieve that silly old handkerchief i left behind all those years ago, what seems like a lifetime ago. you told me the world would be a better place if more valued those things above gold, above precious, glowing stones. i wanted to tell you it meant nothing, none of it if i didn't get to have your smile at the end of it all. a book is nothing when eyes can but glaze over the words, unable to define a single sentence: unable to see. an armchair is nothing if the person sitting in it is but a shadow, haunted by his past and yearning for the warmth of a dead man's embrace. skeletons fill not only my closet, but all of my rooms. they are everywhere i am; everything i do is followed by the memories of that which i cannot have.

but these things, all of them, are nothing. they are nothing, skeletons and armchairs alike, just as i am nothing without you.

and you were gone too fast, light fading and eyes closing one last time. i couldn't save you, not this time. not ever again. your hand dropped out of mine and i shook as the bitter cold finally reached my lungs, my chest, my mind. my heart. i did not know then that it would never grow warm again.

yet, even in death, you were beautiful. even in death, wrapped in eternal stillness, you radiated light. a beacon against the pale snow. i never knew you as king, but as they lowered you into your stone tomb i could feel it. you were made for nothing else. no matter how i kicked or screamed, wished for something else, _anything_ else, this could not change. even as my lungs ached and i could feel my soul tearing in two, i understood. i knew. there was never another way.

but the ache refuses to leave. having taken a permanent place in my heart, it serves as a nagging reminder of what could have been. even as i sit with someone new, i feel the scars you left on me. they aren't leaving, and i can't forget them or you. i don't think i would like to. a memory is better than nothing, is it not?

so i sit here, windows and doors wide open, waiting for you light to fill me once again. waiting for _you_ , though i cannot say why this hope continues to endure. i know you are gone. years have flown by in the blink of an eye; your soul has left from you long ago. you are dark, forever encased in a dank tomb with memories too far away to touch. there is no light left in you.

just as there is no light left in me.

~ fin ~

**Author's Note:**

> welcome to .. angst..
> 
> i wrote this years ago when i was really in the bagginshield wormhole and only just rediscovered it. i cried reading it i hope it gives you some gay abstract angsty feels :')


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